Leave it to Zachary Beaver. By it, I mean all your food.

It's three-named female author writes as a teen boy, part three. Like Final Destination 3, it's much of the same, and like The Matrix 3, at the end you're just relieved it's finally over.

subtitle: and five other subplots that we'll thinly explore.

EVERYTHING'S BIGGER IN TEXAS, EVEN THESE WORDS

Imagine: the fattest boy in the world comes to your sleepy Texas town. It's 1971, and this kind of spectacle does not often come around. So, you'll plunk down two dollars to witness this human oddity. Of course you'll exploit the young man and gape at his massive volume. Then, like any good young man, you'll attempt to correct every wrong in your immediate life, except for your mommy issues. Until the very end, of course.

BIG ISSUES

Incredible timing in tiny Antler, Texas. I suppose small town life has plenty of drama. Goodness me!
Consider what our protagonist, Toby, has to deal with over his summer vacay:

1. Zachary Beaver left in trailer while his keeper leaves town to scout freak show talent. Toby faces ethical conundrum of humanizing Z.Beaver versus remaining a novelty. 
2. Zachary Beaver has never been baptized. He would have been, but his mother died. Toby attempts to grant Z.Beaver his one wish.
3. Mom leaves town to pursue a singing career in Nashville. Toby faces ethical conundrum of rejecting mother because of her selfish actions or accepting her decision and valuing her simple presence in his life, given Z.Beaver situation.
4. Best friend's brother is away fighting in Vietnam. Brother writes letters, best friend never responds. Toby faces ethical conundrum of responding to brother as best friend. 
5. Best friend's brother dies in Vietnam. Toby faces ethical conundrum of wallowing in own self-pity or supporting his best friend in this trying time. 
6. Toby's dad drops wisdom and knowledge on Toby regarding mom and best friend situations. Toby faces emotional conundrum of directing his feeling towards those people at his father. Spoiler alert: he's twelve years old. Guess what he does. 
7. Toby's crush is having boyfriend troubles and for some reason airs her frustrations to Toby. Toby faces ethical conundrum of stealing away girl and possible fatal pummeling or playing cupid with intimidating boyfriend.
8. Brother of Toby's summer employer has obvious Alzheimer's. Toby faces ethical conundrum of avoiding someone "different" (again).
9. Alcoholic bowling alley owner stuck in limbo. Toby attempts to help him find meaning in life while suppressing his own problems.
10. I become irritated with Toby for sticking his nose in everybody's business.

BIG PROBLEMS

How the hell can Toby (and Kimblerly Willis Holt) address all of these issues in a scant 227 pages? She does, but only on a surface level for most of the issues. We get developments and conclusions that lack deep insight on these issues, and the A-story falls to the wayside for much of the novel. There is symbolism that links the parallel themes, but younger readers may not make the connections. However, the realism on display regarding the family issues is well-done, evocative of the conflicting feelings children of divorce experience. The rest is meh. Toby learns to embrace people who are different. Twice! Toby learns that it's okay to be a friend to girls he wants to smooch, and deal with the rejection positively. I suppose this is a healthier outcome than burning these girls in effigy, which was my high school self-medication. So, some parts succeed, some ring hollow, but the outcome is more-or-less satisfying, as the family element is left open-ended, but the resolutions with the best friend and the forced revival of the alcoholic bowling alley guy temper that effect.

BIG SCREEN

Want to watch a lousy movie adaptation of this book? Look no further!

I haven't watched the thing, and never will. Use it to put your unruly youth to sleep, or to introduce them to the wild world of heckling poorly-made films.

After reading the book about a highly resourceful young man who has the guts and resolve to try for the girl (then fix her boyfriend problems), put up with a senile old man (then play catch with him), abandon his best friend (and then make it up to him), make peace with his resigned father and absentee mother (after dealing with abandonment issues), assist the local drunk in kicking the habit (then getting him to preside over a baptism) and help the fat kid get his one wish, do you visualize:

(A) 

Sweet, clean-cut, classic All-American boy 

(B)

Spunky, good-natured smirk of a youngster

(C)

A dim-witted version of Ralphie from A Christmas Story

The strangely correct answer is C! I'm all for breaking convention and smashing archetypes, but what an unsettling choice. Do we really need an everyman hero for the younger set? I'm so old and out of touch. Bring me my Hardy Boys novels and get off my lawn after you mow it to my satisfaction. I don't pay. 

BIG THREE

So, how did these authors do to capture the life of a teen boy? 

Speare: yeah, she did fine. 

Hinton: Winner.

Holt: About 50-50.

JB: Probably can't do better.

NEXT TIME, I YELL ABOUT

A trilogy of alternate history set during my era of expertise, the First World War. Let's just say, these books are HUGE!

BORING STUFF

When Zachary Beaver Came To Town

Kimberly Willis Holt

1999 Henry Holt & Company*

*I checked; they're not related.